Poems

Hunger Pangs

Posted by Laura on January 16, 2015 at 1:55 AM Comments comments (0)

The familiar pangs of hunger are eating away at me

It’s sort of like a trigger that I want to pull constantly

Will power, or lack thereof, has always been a flaw of mine

But I remember my rib bones and hip valley replaced by this bulging waistline

So I close my eyes and smoke some nicotine,

Curbing my appetite with more doses of caffeine

Soon I will be thin, gossamer, and frail

As long as I don’t give in, lose myself, or fail.

Eyes Can't Cry

Posted by Laura on June 4, 2014 at 2:10 AM Comments comments (0)

Gossamer, frail, fragile, and pale

Skeleton thin,

The things I would do

Thigh gaps and collarbones

Crying eyes and broken homes

I may not be much, still not enough

So I crumble, fall down

And my eyes can’t cry anymore

 

Numb

Posted by Laura on August 1, 2013 at 11:45 PM Comments comments (11)

I’m numb to the sadness

I’m numb to the pain

I’m numb when you hold me

Numb when you say my name

Numb when you whisper sweet nothings

In my numb ear

I’m numb to the names you call me

Numb to my fear

But I’m not numb to the scale

And the way it calls me fat

I’m not numb when I don’t eat

What do you think of that?

When I’m throwing up, there’s no way to be numb

I just feel like I’m dying because I don’t fit into ones

I’m numb ‘cause I’m not worth it

‘Cause I can’t purge well enough

Sometimes being skinny

Is just too tough

 

Purging for Perfection

Posted by Laura on August 25, 2012 at 9:35 PM Comments comments (0)

Trapped inside this body

I purge for perfection

No amount of words can make me stop

Because words don’t control me.

Food does.

Your eyes show signs of sadness

But I just keep on walking, straight through you

And your pleas for me to get help

Soon there will be

Collarbones

Hipbones

Ribs.

Soon I will be happy

And no one can stop me.

 

Falling Apart

Posted by Laura on January 19, 2011 at 3:32 PM Comments comments (0)

The weight is melting off of me

Dripping into puddles on the floor

For me to mop away

I can't take seeing it anymore

I want to tear into my skin

Cut away the fat

Maybe there's something wrong with me

Did you ever think of that?

And maybe once I carve so deep

I can finally see a rib

And you can finally find my heart

But tell me, darling, is it clear

That I'm about to fall apart?

 


Can't I Be Nothing?

Posted by Laura on January 19, 2011 at 3:31 PM Comments comments (0)

Even if you're frail bone and clingy skin and baggy undereyes

You'll still never be skinny enough.

You're delicate and broken

Like the most fragile trampled flower I could find in this heated meadow

Of gossamer words and transparent half-truths

Look in the mirror and tell yourself

How disgusting you are

And how you want to be diaphanous and flimsy

Like cobwebs and tracing paper

The kind you use to trace hearts because you lost yours long ago

Then turn around and say how you're too frail and fine

And your bony fingers can't fit rings because they slide off

With ease, no need for persuasion here.

Next you criticize your face for not being smooth

Or impeccable enough

If you were fleckless you would be happy

If you were translucent you would be alright

If it weren't for your flaws you'd be perfect

And exactly how you want to be

But for now you have to stick with

Bulging waistline and I'll-just-keep-the-pain-inside half-smiles

And I'm-fine false-truths

Which are the surround sound to your day

The tune you play is contorted because

The instruments you use are infected with

Your sick, twisted thoughts.

 


Control

Posted by Laura on January 19, 2011 at 3:31 PM Comments comments (0)

The rising caloric meter

Is out of control

My life is spinning faster

I need more control

Burn break bruise bleed

Prize play purge plead

Can’t get any control

3, 2, 1

Hyperactive speed of light

Emotions, feelings, hold on tight

Screw this non-control

Clank clank thunk

Toxic tongue

Bite your lip

Hold your salt

Give me your control

 


Corpulence Prescription

Posted by Laura on January 19, 2011 at 3:30 PM Comments comments (0)

Can’t

           Keep

                                     Anything

                                                            Down

Even though this thick saccharine bile

Is missing its acidity

It makes up for it in its complexity

From my churning innards

                                              Everything

                               Keeps

           Coming

Up

Unstoppable almost, until the cloying mass

Is no longer the only thing evacuating

Accompanied by what was acceptable to remain

Will burn my throat and make its own way

Dropping

                     Into

                                   My

                                               New

                                                               Acquaintance

Until it is satiated

And I go back for more

Only to empty myself

Into it for the second time

                                                                  Rising

                                              Suspicion

                 Questioning

Ensues

I deny all I can

Until I can’t anymore

As I gargle and beg

For artificial freshness

 

Am I really who I think Iam?                                

                                                                                        Yes.

If I’m asking the answer is probably

                                                                                         Yes.

Sick ritualistic unreasonable belligerent

                                                                                       Yes.

 


Inside Me

Posted by Laura on January 19, 2011 at 3:30 PM Comments comments (0)

Pulled apart,

Broken

My insides scream

For nourishment

But all my mind needs

Is green glowing worms

Down them until

My stomach is full

Overfull, in fact

So up they come

Unchewed, just as they are

Slightly acidic

More or less lovely

Can I cleanse my system

From these palpitations

Scars, burning, thump-thump

Miss, thump th-th-thump, miss

Cold sweat on a cold day

Uncontrollable gags

Surrounding the thoughts, scent of food

This calamity is building

And my limbs beg for more

 


Myself Around You

Posted by Laura on January 19, 2011 at 3:29 PM Comments comments (0)

New malicious bones

Popping out of my sides, shoulders

I see you sometimes

But more often I see

Hideous pockets of untold fat

On the days my eyes are unclouded

I stand in fear of the mirror

For a different reason

Because it reflects truth

Instead of illusion, as I am used to.

The darkening bags under my eyes

Are competing against the darkening

Bruises and emphasis of my structure

Chills roll and scrape up my spine

Goosebumps spot my frail frame

I meekly cower, please I beg

I shake, tremble, quake

I wish this were the end of something

Not otherwise specified

Explain to me this

Unbounding pattern of infrequent concepts

Picking apart my brain